3×3 Exhibition: My Self-portrait

In November I was honoured to be asked to take part in an all female exhibition, Threesome and 3×3, which opened on Wednesday 10th Jan – 4th Mar 2018 at the New Art Projects.

This is how the exhibition is billed:

Running in tandem with ‘Threesome and 3×3’ showcases photographic self-portraits by nine queer female artists, whose work, to varying degrees, and consciously or not, interrogates the notion of the female gaze and self-identity. By concentrating solely on their own image, the artists seek to untangle, distinguish, and, in some instances, deliberately re-confuse their own subjectivity and objecthood. This is further teased out through a series of nine questions, posed by critic and curator Anna McNay, and responded to by each artist in turn. These highlight the broad and varied spectrum of considerations at play when, in a world unavoidably influenced by the history of the patriarchal male heterosexual gaze, a woman who likes women turns her gaze upon a woman to produce an image.

The exhibition is based at New Art Projects, 6D Sheep Lane, London, E8 4QS. Visit exhibition website.

To be honest I hid from it, which wasn’t difficult as I’d loads of work on, and this didn’t seem that urgent back in November but as you know time has a way of creeping up on you. All of a sudden it was mid December and I was asked how my self portrait ‘practice’ was going.

You see you cant just take one shot and that’s it – this is not a selfie! So I read some books and articles on photographers photographing themselves, artists painting themselves and lastly that big issue ‘the female gaze’. The artists and photographers use a lot of symbolism and techniques to stylize their image. What could I bring to my portrait? Then there was the issue of the female gaze.

I started exploring how I feel in front of my own camera – that was an eye opener. As Richard Avedon once said,

“my portraits are more about me than they are about the people I photograph,”.

As a photographer with a passion for photographing people, it has been said I am very present in my work.

I never realised photographing me would be so different. On my first sitting I was uncomfortable not with my image, I take enough selfies to know what I look like but more the depth in my eyes. I could see what I hoped I masked to others. I could see my history. Then my body changed to one of protection to help mask my emotions further. Wow I was in a good mood what must I be like when in a dark one. I shot for a few hours then decided to let the images stew and come back to the studio later. Realising the amount of work this one shot would take I blocked out time in my calendar for later in the month.

Before I knew it was Christmas week and I needed to produce something.

I sat in my studio in the dark for a while stewing over my ideas. Over the next few days I would shoot, re shoot, scream, wish someone else was there to help, ask friends what shot they liked, and shoot some more. The reactions from people I love and respect were:

I realized this was not a shot I needed acceptance for, actually that was the whole reason for the interrogation of the female gaze. This was a shot where only I would know what was right and when I was finished.  This was work from within me, saying what I wanted to say. Not one that portrayed me as the facade that was expected of me: The straight daughter: The happy friend: The attractive non-confrontational woman: The lesbian: The soft butch dyke.

I realized I wanted honesty. My honesty at that very moment in time while on my own and not needing to portray anything to anyone. I am female by birth, I am called Bronac at my parent’s choice, I am a gay woman, a lesbian, a dyke, I am ‘Bro’ by my history and my choice but who do I show.

I had set up a mirror behind the camera to see my expression and position. In my first sitting I had realized my stance was protecting my emotions so I went closer. My hair is my thing, it’s just for me but truth be told sometimes it’s hard to wear this bleach blonde quiff, other times it’s a great thing to hide behind. So I went closer still. I moved the mirror behind me with a view to show all. This is a part I don’t see but you do. I have a scar on my neck that is very private to me and although on show is rarely noticed. This was a big decision for me but I felt it was my truth.

I looked directly into the camera as I would when looking at you but this time I was looking into the other side of the lens.

I am I looking at you while looking away.

I am I looking at you, through you and ignoring you?

I am not trying to look pretty, my face is resting, no acceptable smile, no sex appeal. My wrinkles are there untouched. I have no professional make up or photo-shopping.

Yes I am wearing my usual makeup because I want to. I’m wearing my favourite black t-shirt and glasses because this is me but I’m not hiding behind my hair nor is my hair defining me. The body language you can see is open.

The eye you can see is my camera eye, the one usually looking at you through the lens but now clearly seen by you. The other is in the shadow with my thoughts as I still watch you.

I chose a size that was double reality so there is no hiding for you or for me. You observe me as I observe, you examine me as I you and then the inevitable, we judge.

This was an eye-opening project and one I intend to return to many times in the future. I hope you can make it to the exhibition because I found this a uniquely provocative experience and there are 8 other female photographers who’s results will also be well worth a ‘gaze’ and you will be blown away by the paintings of Roxhana Halls, Sarah Jane Moon and Sadie Lee.

For more details of the exhibition: Click here

For more shots of the exhibition: Click here

For my Q&A with the Curator Anna McNay: Click here